GOD SHOOT ME!!!

BACKGROUND MATERIAL ALERT!
This will explain what Maura is alluding to when she (and her mom) mention the guy at the bar a couple years ago, and well...
This is my original December 2005 Maura-to-Rita email describing Maura's parking lot interlude.
Reading it over 2 years later, I'm amazed at how far the character of Maura has come.
Can't believe I never posted this or any of the followups. --m

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From: "Maura Kelly"
To: ritaritasenorita@yahoo.com
Date: Wed, 28 Dec 2005 12:45:59 am EST
Subject: GOD SHOOT ME!!!!

SENORITA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD, WHERE ARE YOU???????? I have tried calling you SIC TIMES 6 six and you ARENT PICKUNG UP!!!! WHER ARE YOU??????????

I cannot belive what i just did earlier tonite TOAAL ONE NIGHT STAND. I drove to Mountainside for a couple beers feeling lonely and freaked about this upcoming date w LUKE and just wanted to unwind at the bar, we;; next thing I know (wll, well, I canb't type, my fingers hurt, I fell, I hope I didn't break one

ANyway sitting there at the Mtside bar having Yinglings and next thing I know this guy "Rick" sidles up next to me, buys me another, I was rady to go but he was cutre so I let him buy, "You look like a model" and discussion ensues, he's pounding down boilermakers so I had one, and another, and a third, and i would SO SO SOSO SO SO SO SO SO LOVE to say it was his fault but it wasn't, next thing I know we're walking out TOGETHER to his truck and leaning against it making out and I pull him up into the BED OF THE PICKUP and we fucked there and THANK GOD he had a rubber on him so this isn't a TOTAL nightmare.

I have NEVER done that, not even when I was a slut but I feel like I am again WHY DID I DO THAT??? I FUCKING FUCKED A TOTAL STRANGER IN 30 DEGREE WEATHER IN THE BED OF HIS PICKUP TRUCK!!! it sucked, he was as subtle as a jackhammer Rita. It hurt, my back is sore, lasted about five minutes and the whole time I felt like I was the good angel sitting on myshoulder whicpseing in my ear DON'T DO IT MAURA. WHY ARE YOU SPREADING YOUR LEGS FOR THIS MAN? BE A GOOD GIRL, THINK OF LUKE MAURA>

WHY DID I DO IT RITA???????

CAlled one more time and you're not picking up.. I 've left what six messages?? CALL ME AT MOM AND MARTYDADS just in case my cell loses its charge.

i KNEW i SHOULD HAVE STATED WITH MOM DOWN AT YOUR BROTHERS TONIGHT. (caps lock) but no I felt freaked and had to drive home alone, had to go out, get drunk, get fucked, toally irresponsible, totaly fuckiing slutty loser. GODDAMMIT WHY DID I DO THAT????

The capper like I said my hand is killing me. He got off and he said "do you come here a lot?" and I said "Yeah" but I'm thinking AND THIS IS THE LAST TIME TOO and he goes "SO maybe I'll see you again?" and I said "MAYBE" and thinking NO FUCKING WAY JOSE. SO he hops in his trcuk and drives off up 322 south, I get in my car and I am CRYING, balwing my eys aout m I couldn't BELIVE i did that, thinking I FEEL LIKE SHIT, SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT, and then Now I'm drunk and I've gotta get home. Down 144 feeling like a totaly fucking piece of fucking slutty SHIUT and crying and screaming to myself WHY DID I DO THAT? I CAN'T BELIVE I DID THAT and trying to call you, ALMOST called Mom but what would I say to her? "Uh, hi Mom, I went out and got trashed and some bricklayer dude fucked me in the bed of his pickup in the parking lot at Mountainside." "Oh, sweetie, I'm SO PROUD of you"

So anyway there I am drvigin 35 in a 50 mph hour zone up 144 toward home being careful not to swerve not to speed or do ANYTHING out of the ordinary and I come into Centre Hall and stop at the light and there' FUCKING FLASHING LIGHTS IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR! I thought I was going to puke I was so scared, so I pull over, thinking SHIT! DUMB BITCH! and seeing the headline DRUNK KOHLS MODEL JAILED FOR DUI and I pull over all panicked and here he goes AROUND me and pulls over the guy in FRONT of me for running the red. ANd I just thought "Phew! TAHNK GOD!" and the light went green and I went up over the mountain in second, watching the flashing lights fade away in my mirror an thinking "OK, this is a sign. You fucked up --you fucked RICK (if that was his name) but you goty away scot free. Everythings going to be all right."

Can';t believe I told him I'm a model. Discussion included Kohls staturary etc. "Did you ever pose naked?" "Kind of" "I bet you did. What magazine?" "Oh, on the internet. Not under my real name though, under Carmen>' I TOLD HIM CARMEN RITA!!!!! He's probably at home googling with a box of tissues.

I just googled and altavistaed and dogpiled CARMEN HOT TEEN SWIMMER and nothing came up, nothing nothing nothing, thank GOd. But NOW he's probably in the garage digging through the recycling for the Kohl;s cicrular with my bra ads in it. SOmething to remember me by. THANK GOD I didn't tell him my last name and he called me "laura" so PHEW again ANd when I frove home (sorry for typos) I parked in the garage so the car wouldnt be visible from the street. I may go to Earl Scheib and get a paint job tomorrow. Can he repaint my life? SEVEN CALLS NO ANSWER!!! PICK UP, FUCK YOU PICK UP!@!!!! I NEEEEED YOU!!!!

You know what never occurred to me? I called you adfter the deed was done but I shouldve gone to the bathroom and called you on my cell from there. I could have called Luke too, HE was why I went out, freaking totally about Saturday night, scared and what do I do? Sleep with a guy in the bed of his pickup. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I'm rambling I'm sorry.

SO back to my AcHING HAND which like I said I hope isn't broken. I made it home in one piece by drving with extreme care and prejudice and pull the car in the garage, felt all antsy and like I wanted to jump out of my skin, douche and everything all at once, and I think I NEED A CIGARETTE and you KNOW it's been ten years since I TOUCHED a cigarette but I went around the corner to unimart, bought a pack of marloboros and some junkfood and then crossing the street slipped on the ice at the curb and fell and got a big brushburn on the heel of my righthand. Smashed the smokes but i didn't care-I lit up THREE of them bawling while I pigged out on a family size bag of MIddleswarth bbqs and a Jack Link kippered peppered beefsteak and a cherry 7up and a mallo cup and NOW I AM GONNA THROW UP

back. Puked. That felt a little better. I wish I could throw up between my legs, spit out the memory of rick. too late for THAT. He was cute until i realized what he was doing, what I was doing. I wanted to but I did't want to, I wanted to STOP, wanted someone to stop me, but IO just felt totally out of control tonight WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!

If you're up and you get this PLEASE PLEEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CALL NO MATTER HOW LATE DON"T WRITE BACK CALL CALL CALL CALL CALL!! I need you!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Maura K